Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
