i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
