Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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