I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
