Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
