Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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