she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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