No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
