Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
