Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
