I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I cannot find my penis.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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