Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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