Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
