just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
