You work out of a Hotel?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
