I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
BRING THE BAGELS
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