I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Randomize
