I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
