I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
