I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
