You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
