ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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