ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
