we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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