beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
