I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
