My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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