Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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