I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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