so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
