Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
it's like iHOP with fire
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
