there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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