I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
