if you like me you must not know who I am
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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