it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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