i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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