I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
