enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she told me i tasted like america
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize