There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
