the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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