So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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