I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
