hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
