Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
