She just used a chaser for red wine.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
