I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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