Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
