Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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