1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
