Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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