My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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