so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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