Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize