The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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