i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
