mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
