I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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