I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
