i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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