i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize