what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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